Excerpts from Notebooks

The whole format of this blog is a little weird so, in keeping with the weirdness theme, I present to you my beloved person who cares... Excerpts from my Notebooks/Hard Drives!

This is a little journal entry type thing I wrote when I was feeling a little emo on Thanksgiving... it sums up, for the most part, how I feel about women and responsibility. It's tenative title is...
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"I'm Sorry"

“Take good care of her.” That’s the last thing he said to me before I left, actually before he left… What I’m trying to say is that’s the last thing he said to me before he died… “Take good care of her.”

“I promise I will”. My response… the last thing I said before I left, the last words we exchanged before he died just a few weeks later. Now, nearly 4 years later, I still remember… of course I remember, I made a promise, and just like every other promise that I’ve ever made I intended to keep it. It was almost as if he knew that his days were numbered and he had to fast forward to the wedding vows that would have been much farther into the future than his remaining days would allow him to see. In lieu of “I do” I said “I promise I will” and I meant it.

Now I remember a dying man’s wish, a promise that I made to a good man, standing at his grave at 1 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning. I haven’t seen “her” for almost a year now, we’ve been split up for over 2 years, she has been living her new life long enough now that it would seem I am nothing but a distant memory. With enough beer, she becomes a distant memory to me too. But I’ll never forget that I promised I would take care of her and now I can’t, she’s gone, she’s a big enough girl now to make her own decisions and she decided to leave. So instead of letting myself die right along with my memory in her mind, I drove to his grave, and with the same raw, genuine emotion that spilled over from my heart when I first promised I would take care of her I said, “I’m sorry, I have to move on.” I had to apologize, not because I don’t love her anymore, Lord knows if she would have made the same promise to him we’d probably be married by now, I apologized because I have too much love left inside of me and I must move on to share it with a woman that will return my promise. “I’m sorry.”
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... I'm not gonna lie, I think I may have been on another emo tangent with this one... maybe drunk too, judging by the handwriting? I don't know... It's written in rhyme form as kind of an ode to the couple of summer romances that have left my little heart shattered on the floor through the years... This is a really rough copy, maybe I'll fix it up a little bit and repost it later...
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"Jenna's Poem"

I remember the look in your eyes
As we laid in the grass on that cool summer night
Laughing innocently as we gazed into the starry night skies
Forgetting the world, just you and me, as I held you tight

I remember driving for hours just to keep you by my side,
Watching the sun rise over gravel roads and rolling hills,
And I remember thinking that you'd make a fine bride,
If I only could have found a way to make time stand still

I remember the summers end, the time we both knew was coming
Autumn briskly falling upon us, you were due back at school
The summer is always too short for children and loving
And through loving learning that fate can be cruel

I remember the look in your eyes when it came time to leave,
I sat, broken-hearted and helpless, desperately wishing you'd stay,
And after we said our goodbyes, I stood all alone in disbelief,
A tear slipped down my cheek, passed where your lips had kissed before you walked away

I drove with you for miles to that campus and then alone I drove home
I think we both knew as we left, somehow leaving means gone
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...hopefully someone finds this mildly entertaining and/or intriguing... or has appropriate psychological training to interpret it... j/k... I am not a writer, I pretty much do this just to get my thoughts, etc out there.