Random Thoughs/Events From March through May 2006

This is a compilation of random thoughts and events that I've collected over the past few months as Away Messages on AIM... The past few months would have included finishing up the spring semester at the University, finals, playing a TON of poker, etc...

COMPUTER VIRUS:

My computer contracted eAIDS from having unprotected cybersex with many anonymous partners...

FINALS:

I put the 'F' in Final Examination

GOING TO COURT:

The verdict is in... NOT GUILTY! (Except for the "not" part). The City Attorney actually offered to drop the charge if I would pay the court costs... I foolishly said "No", thinking that justice would be upheld, and the state would be left with the court fees... What an expensive mistake... As the Judge gave me my sentence (the min. $50 + costs, thank you Your Honor) I thought to myself, "Ehhhh, is it too late to check?"
Here's a piece of advice, if the prosecuting attorney offers to drop the charges against you, DO IT. Even if they ask you to pay for being innocent. Because after you are found guilty despite your innocence, not only does it cost more $, but you also acquire the mental taxation of losing all faith in the American justice system as you watch police officers blatantly lying under oath on the witness stand.

AT THE LIBRARY FOR FINALS:

So I was at the library tonight trying to start some last minute cramming for my two finals this afternoon, when I got an overwhelming sensation of impending failure... And right as I began praying to God for some kind of freak accident to save me from my inevitable academic doom, he sent me the sign that I have been waiting for my entire life... but I was too busy looking at the hot, drunk, naked sorority girls that were streaking through the library wearing nothing but cowboy hats pulled down real low over their eyes... apparently in a failed effort to conceal their identies. Anyway, I'm still only a few hours away from failing my finals miserably, but now I don't feel so bad because my vane attempt at cramming literally months worth of missed class material into one night of studying paid an even greater reward than actually acquiring knowledge... I saw boobies... lots of them... big ones and small ones... and they were nice... Sorry God

RANDOM THOUGHT ON NINJA TURTLES:

I have been a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle fan since I was 8... They pretty much symbolize everything that was innocent and beautiful about my childhood. So I was studying for finals at the library tonight when suddenly I was struck with a very potent thought...
I wonder if the original animated homeboys from my younger years are now Middle-Aged Working Ninja Turtles? I mean you can't be a teenaged mutant forever...Turtles in a cubicle... TURTLE POWER!

MIXING POKER AND CRAMMING... BAD IDEA:

Hours of sleep/hours of poker:1:2
As profit has been negligable during the past few sleepless nights of binge studying and poker, I will now attempt to improve the overall expectancy of sleep time per poker time...

NEW LIFE THEME (works for poker and partying at least):

Trying to not get unlucky

ODE TO THE COSTCUTTERS CHICK:

Ode to the Blonde Chick at Cost Cutters

Oh blonde chick at Cost Cutters
When I think of you my heart flutters
Like the buzzing apparatus that you use upon my head
but more like the buzzing apparatus that you use alone in bed

Oh blonde chick with each clip you snippy snip and then study
I think we should go get wasted and then become fuck buddies
You cover me with hair, I want to cover you with ice cubes
now all I can think about is your skinny waist and really nice boobs

Oh blonde chick, you make my hair look cute but tough
and when we get between the sheets I know you'll like it rough
oh blonde chick, you woke my lust up from its slumber
so when I see you at the club tonight, I know I'll get your number

CAN'T SAY 'FUCK' ON POKERSTARS (I thought this was funny):

Hello boObYdOod,
We have received a complaint regarding some things you said in chat at our tables. I have reviewed the chat log and did find some of your comments to be inappropriate.
Our goal at PokerStars is to be a fun place to play, where everyone can feel comfortable. Foul language and abuse of other players takes away from everyone's enjoyment, and therefore cannot be permitted.
We must ask you to refrain from using this type of language in the future, or we will be forced to remove your chat privileges.

Regards,
RandyPokerStars Support Team

50118601 boObYdOod oh fuck 9 4/30/2006 9:37:35 PM
50118601 boObYdOod GAY 9 4/30/2006 9:43:13 PM
50118601 boObYdOod GAY 9 4/30/2006 9:50:39 PM

MY THOUGHTS ON PEOPLE WHO TALK SHIT ABOUT ME PLAYING POKER:

The one thing you have to realize is that poker is NOT a game... it's a way of life... it is a job and a sport, it is work and a leisure activity, it is a social event and a competition all rolled into one. While you were at the bar getting drunk and fucked up, I was making money on the poker table... and I still got laid. Just remember this, you don't want to be me, because if you could be, you would try. And the harder you try, the more I inevitably make off you, or off people like you. So, I'll leave you with this... bring it on bitches! And go ahead a criticize what I do, because if you understood it, you would do it too. And when I walk away from the table with your money in my pocket, fuck you anyway. Have fun drinking your woes away...

SOMALIAN RESTAURANT:

I'm going to open up a Somalian Resaurant... which will be just like a regular restaurant, only we will feature EXTREMELY small portions... and a famished wait staff... "I'll have the 5 grains of rice on stale bread please... oh you're out of stale bread? ...hmm...OK, I'll just have the 5 grains of rice then"

SPACE ALIENS:

If I ever get a chance to hang out with space aliens I think we should go to a theme park, because I bet the aliens would enjoy riding on rollercoasters and eating cotton candy... and that would be a good way to pick up chicks too, unless the aliens are the evil "Mars Attacks" kind...

THOUGHTS ON THE TRAP:

The real genius behind the whole operation is the trap, if the unsuspecting victim bites hard enough on the bait, they will soon discover their situation is desperate. This realization, more often than not, throws them into a frenzied panic which seals their fate.

TORNADOS THAT HIT IOWA CITY:

So I got wasted last night and went on a looting mission in downtown Iowa City after the tornados hit. I rummaged around for nearly an hour, but all I found was a bunch of empty pop cans and a crappy old bike... then, when the lights came back on, I realized that I was still in my friend's garage... so I shifted my target to his kitchen and looted a few more beers, then I staggered around downtown Iowa City with the other 10,000 drunk people... what can I say, great minds think alike (especially after a beer or ten)